Speaking in front of a small crowd in rural Iowa, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella unveiled Microsoft’s newest data security complement to the company’s cloud offering.
“Microsoft has paved the way for cloud computing with Microsoft Azure but we are happy to announce the newest product in our portfolio, Microsoft Rock,” Satya explained. “The Microsoft Rock will allow you to securely store all of your company’s financial, client and employee data under the sturdy and durable watch of a large boulder. The Microsoft Rock gives you the quickest access to all of your information, plain and simple.”
Nadella expects most customers of Microsoft Azure to add on the Microsoft Rock product as an ongoing element to their current subscription. Information and data access is more important than ever and is needed in seconds, not minutes. The Rock is completely scalable based on the amount of data you need to store and how strong it needs to be to protect your data. Microsoft uses a brief questionnaire to determine the appropriate weight needed in your Microsoft Rock. Models start with the pebble for smaller businesses and go as high as the boulder for your enterprise level clients.
Microsoft customers will no longer have to deal with the pain of slow internet speeds in retrieving anything stored in the cloud. Inherent in the Microsoft Rock product is the full security of a heavy piece of stone laying on all of your important documents and spreadsheets. This is the most secure option that Microsoft provides as the Rock is guaranteed to never be a victim of malware or phishing attacks. Plus, you’ll never lose access to your data. As long as you are near and able to move the rock, you’ll never lose an important file.
Earl Smith, of Janesville, IA, was one of the more excited attendees listening to Nadella’s presentation. “To be honest, I never really knew what the cloud was or where it was even located. The Microsoft Rock gives me the peace of mind that I’ll always be able to access my data quickly as long as I don’t forget which rock I put things under.”
The ingenuity and innovation Microsoft has been known for continues on with this new and exciting product. Subscriptions will be available starting May 1. Interested in learning more about the Microsoft Rock? Contact us here at Gross Mendelsohn or call Ken Glenn at 410.910.1062.
Notice: This is a satirical article. In all seriousness, check out our blog post on the easy ways you can protect your company data. Data security is no joke! Happy April Fool’s Day!